What If You Want a Therapist Who Will Actually Challenge You?

I remember having a client share with me, “I don’t just want to be agreed with. I want someone who will call me out.”

That counseling session continues to stand out to me today and informs areas of the clinical work at Santos Counseling. There’s a version of therapy a lot of people have experienced, or fear: fifty minutes of sympathetic nodding. “That sounds really hard.” “Your feelings are valid.” And it is validating.

But some clients leave those sessions with a nagging thought they feel guilty saying out loud:

If that’s you, two things are true. First, you’re not being difficult or ungrateful. You’re describing a real, legitimate preference in therapy style. Second, you’re allowed to ask for it directly, and a good counselor will be glad you did.

Validation and challenge are not opposites

Did you know that effective therapy usually contains both validation and challenges? The research on what makes therapy work backs this up: It starts with a strong, trusting professional relationship between the client and the counselor. This is core to the foundation.

Think of validation as establishing that you’re safe, and challenge as what the safety is for. A counselor who only validates can accidentally become a very expensive friend. A counselor who only confronts leans too closely to becoming an adversary. What most people asking for “a counselor who will challenge me” actually want is the combination: someone firmly on your side who is honest because they’re on your side.

What an honest challenge looks like in a session

Over the years, I have had amazing experiences with wonderful people. I remember a college professor sharing with me that being challenged in counseling doesn’t mean being criticized, lectured, or debated. They would say that done well, it sounds like:

• Naming patterns in real time. An example of this in counseling can sound like, “You’ve described two different conflicts today, and in each one you left before the hard conversation happened. Can we look at that?”
• Questioning your narrative, not your worth. This may sound like, “You keep saying you’re stuck. From what you’ve described, it sounds more like you’re scared. Those need different solutions.”
• Holding you to your own goals. This may sound like, “In our session two months back, you said this relationship was something you wanted to change. Today makes it 60 days since that last meeting. What’s making it easier to stay stuck?”
• Interrupting self-deception gently but clearly. This may sound like, Not ‘you’re wrong,” but ‘I’m noticing the story you’re telling doesn’t match the facts you gave me ten minutes ago.”
• Giving you actual homework and following up on it. Direct counseling tends to be active and action-oriented. This means that you are experiencing skills, experiments between sessions, and accountability.

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How to ask for a direct style — in the first phone call

Let me start by saying that the counseling space is yours. As a counselor, part of the work encourages creating a safe space for the client. A space where the client is empowered and can share feedback. You don’t have to hope you land on the right counselor by luck. Say it plainly during a consultation:

• “I want a counselor who will give me direct feedback, not just validation. Is that how you work?”
• “How do you handle it when you think a client is avoiding something?”
• “Can you give me an example of a time you challenged a client?”

When you speak with your counselor, try to listen for a concrete answer. A counselor who works this way will light up at the question. Vague answers, like, “well, I meet clients where they are”.

And if you’re already in counseling and it’s feeling too soft? Try to speak with your counselor. You could say: “I need you to push back on me more,” or “I want you to challenge me when I’m getting in my own way,” or “Can you help me learn how to challenge myself?” Renegotiating the style of counseling is one of the most productive conversations you can have in it. 

Looking for direct, honest therapy in Greensboro?

At Santos Counseling, we strongly believe respect and honesty go hand-in-hand. Our counselors work actively to improve their clinical background, gain new skills, create spaces to receive feedback, real accountability, and a genuine relationship underneath it. We offer counseling for adults, teens, and college students across the Triad, in English and Spanish, in person or by telehealth anywhere in North Carolina.

Tell us you want a counselor who will challenge you. We’ll take you at your word.

Call (336) 663-6570 or [click here to schedule online].