Building Trust With an Estranged Friend or Family Member

Navigating estrangement with a friend or family member can be one of the most painful experiences. This is often tied to the dynamics, culture, and history of the relationship.

The pain comes from repeated damage to the relationship, crossing boundaries, and waves of emotional disconnection. Whether it’s a friend, a sibling, or a parent, the rupture in the relationship often comes after ongoing cycles of disrespect.

Rebuilding the connection is, of course, a choice. The truth is that both choices can be very challenging. Whether you decide to rebuild or move in different directions, know that often both come with an internal struggle.

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Understanding Estrangement

Estrangement is the emotional and/or physical distance that takes place between you and the other person. It can develop abruptly over a specific situation or occur slowly over time. People who experience estrangement often identify with feeling confused, in pain. 

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Questions to Ask Yourself First

  • Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I feel pressured (by myself or someone else)?
  • Has the other person shown any change or openness to healing?
  • What would I need from this person to feel safe again?
  • What will I do if things don’t go as hoped?

When It’s Okay to Not Rebuild the Relationship

  • If reconnecting puts your mental health at risk.
  • If past patterns continue without accountability.
  • You don’t need to explain your decision to others.
  • When peace comes from acceptance, not repair.
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Signs You May Be Ready to Reconnect

  • You feel emotionally stable when thinking about the person.
  • You’re no longer looking for an apology to feel whole.
  • You’re open to having a different kind of relationship than before.
  • You’ve defined your boundaries clearly.
  • You’re open to any outcome, including rejection or slow progress.

Counseling For Estranged Relationships

For those who are navigating estrangement and wanting to find a way to rebuild the relationship, know that the process requires patience, intention, and emotional safety.

As a professional counselor, I have supported countless individuals navigating estrangement. Some people find themselves in an off-and-on type of relationship with a family member that feels more challenging than comforting.

Others have distanced themselves from a once-close friend after years of unresolved tension. Regardless of the specifics, the shared experience of estrangement is often confusion, grief, and the desire to heal, without losing yourself in the process.

I will pause here for a moment and highlight, without losing yourself in the process.

If you are reading this, you might be asking:

  • “Can I rebuild this relationship without getting hurt again?”
  • “Is it possible to trust them again?”
  • “Am I going to be okay in this?”
  • “What will my family think of me if I don’t try to rebuild this relationship?”

This blog will walk you through five key considerations to begin rebuilding trust with an estranged friend or family member, without compromising your emotional well-being.

Schedule A Counseling Session

If you’re navigating an estranged relationship with a friend or family member, and don’t know where to begin, consider talking to a counselor. At Santos Counseling, we help individuals explore boundaries, heal from relational trauma, and decide what reconciliation, if any, looks like for them. Schedule a counseling session today.

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Ways To Begin Rebuilding Trust With An Estranged Friend or Family Member

1. Start Slow When Rebuilding After Estrangement

Rebuilding trust after estrangement can be a slow and intentional process. You can start with what may be considered the least loaded topics. Such as mutual interest or the typical day-to-day updates.

Remember, it has to make sense to you. The act of jumping right back into the relationship where things left off can leave you falling on unsteady ground.

I encourage you to avoid trying to dive back into the relationship as if nothing happened. This often can lead to more harm than healing. Such as hurtful cycles repeating.

Below are examples of ways that you can start slowly. They include low-pressure forms of communication:

  • A short text to check in.
  • A handwritten card or letter.
  • A 15-minute phone call with clear boundaries.

The first steps that you take pave the foundation for the relationship and allow you both to gauge emotional safety.

Questions to explore as you start slowly:

  • Can you listen to each other without escalating?
  • Can you speak honestly and respectfully?
  • Do you feel safe in the interaction?

Remember, this is not a race. You don’t have to rush into big, emotionally driven conversations about the past. Instead, work to create a sense of comfort and predictability in small exchanges. This will help to set a foundation for healing.


2. Know What Your Boundaries Are When Addressing Family Estrangement

When evaluating estrangement, it’s important to bring attention to boundaries. Often, boundaries are broken repeatedly in relationships that lead to estrangement. As such, before reconnecting with your friend or family member, try to understand what you’re okay with—and what you’re not.

Boundaries are about you and what makes sense to you. They are not about punishing the other person or controlling them in any way. They’re about protecting your emotional well-being on all levels and creating a space for healthy connection.

A boundary, when shared verbally, includes a few key elements. As you can see in the example below, it holds what you are willing and not willing to do. It also includes what you are open to or a desired goal. See the example below as guidance.

“I’m open to rebuilding our friendship, but I can’t continue if our conversations become dismissive or critical.”

For you, this could mean:

  • Limiting topics of conversation (e.g., no financial, political debates, or personal attacks).
  • Choosing how often you would like to communicate.
  • Choosing what method you want to use for communication (e.g., text, email, phone call, or in-person).
  • Deciding whether you’re ready to meet in person or prefer virtual contact for now.

As you explore boundaries, take some time to reflect:

  • What made the relationship unsafe in the past?
  • What pain did you experience in the past that led to disconnection?
  • What personal boundaries did you not stick to?
  • What are your emotional, physical, or conversational boundaries?
  • What do you need to feel safe moving forward?

At the core of it, boundaries, when used effectively, aim to help you understand your needs. This creates space to avoid unwanted negative cycles. Such as the cycle of walking on eggshells or people-pleasing.