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Understanding Why The Affair Took Place

Healing After An Affair Requires People To Understand What Led To The Affair

Marriage Counseling can provide couples with space and direction needed to work towards understanding the key reasons why the affair took place.

In a prior post, How To Navigate And Heal After An Affair, the foundation to stage 1 was discussed. The purpose of knowing the stages is to give you steps to take as you move forward in your journey of healing and recovering your relationship and life after an affair.

5 Trust Building Exercises To Help Your Relationship Grow Stronger. Counseling For Couples Is Located In Greensboro, NC.

Try the online Healing After An Affair Course. The course focused on exercises aimed to heal pain, build trust, and restore the health of your relationship.

A few very important notions to understand is that each couple is different with respect to how long the process takes. The second very important notion that helps is receiving information ahead of time. This gives a sense of understanding, preparation, and anticipation of what may take place during the affair recovery process.

Stage 1. Discovery Of Infidelity.

Whether the discovery was forthcoming or found. The first stage of recovering after an affair starts with the discovery.

This stage focuses on ending the affair and learning what happened. It is vital to the success of healing and recovering for you who committed the affair to cut all ties and commit to vulnerability, honesty, transparency, and positive change.

Not doing so only leads to further distrust and disconnect from your partner. During this stage, you may experience shock and emotional instability.

Uncovering and Navigating The Discovery of Infidelity.

Understanding as best as you can why you did what you did is very important for the process of healing and recovering and in addition to personal growth.

Below are common connections to affairs. To why affairs take place. Evaluate each one while working to find a connection.

  • Emotional needs aren’t being met.
  • Sexual addiction.
  • Struggle with boredom.
  • Seeking revenge sex.
  • Seeking reassurance or emotional security.
  • History of infidelity in past relationships.
  • Life changes.

Below is a case example that walks you through the process of communicating this topic with your partner.

Case example:

I feel that ever since you took your new job things have changed. We used to go on more dates and now I can’t remember the last time we went out. We also used to have sex more often. It’s been like 5 months. I’m saying this because I connect what led to the affair to (a) how our relationship changed with the new job. I know that I am responsible for what took place. 

The job, from my perspective, pulled us apart. We started to see each other less. I think at some points we only saw each other before going to bed and for a short moment in the morning. I want you to know my emotional needs, they are that I like for us to have more time together. I like it when we go on dates. I like having sex with you, hugging you and kissing you. I feel connected to you when you ask me about my day and share with me the details of your day.

I understand that I committed the affair. It was my fault. An action that I did. I also understand that it was at the point of the new job that we starting becoming distant. I should have been more alert back then to find ways to help us remain together versus betraying you in the act of the affair.


As you evaluate each of the 6 connections above and the case study, be willing to explore anything else that comes to mind. Identify the connection(s) and take the time to write to your partner how the issue can be addressed.

Use the case example provided for support.

Come together with your partner and share what you learned. The goal is to be transparent and willing to search for factors that are connected to why the affair took place and what can be done to heal and recover.

Be mindful that this may be a very difficult task. In connection to the information learned in the post, there are factors that may be further supported by professional counseling. If you are ready to heal and recover please contact our office.

Purchase the book.

Start working on your relationship and healing from infidelity.

Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce and can be a devastating experience.

This book is interactive in nature as it holds you and your partner responsible for completing each page. Together you will take on the journey of healing and recovering. Page by page, you will uncover the stages of infidelity and give birth to a loving and compassionate relationship.

Here’s what the book can offer you:

  • Learn how to understand the phases of infidelity.
  • Understand the root cause of the affair.
  • Rebuild your relationship.
  • Restore trust.
  • Work through conflicting emotions.
  • Experience vulnerability.