Discernment Counseling in Greensboro, NC — For Couples on the Brink of Divorce

Discernment Counseling is for couples who feel that they are on the brink of divorce. This form of therapy is a unique structured program that guides you and your partner through the decision-making process of divorce or reconciliation.

This is not marriage counseling.

We explore all options together in a safe and constructive space. I want you to share your concerns, discuss the deep emotions you are holding, explore the difficult questions of separation, and identify exactly what rekindling the relationship can look like.

Highly effective for couples considering breaking up or getting divorced.

What Is Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is common among couples where one person has one foot out the door. Unlike marriage counseling, where the goal is often focused on improving key areas of the relationship, addressing intimacy, or strengthening communication skills. This style of therapy is brief and is designed to get you to a place of conclusion.

Understanding discernment counseling:

• Work with a counselor through a course of 1 to 5 sessions to answer the question.
• It is a short-term and structured process.
• Discernment counseling pauses that dynamic. Instead of trying to solve the marriage, it helps both partners get clarity on what they actually want.
• Designed for couples where one partner is leaning toward divorce, and the other wants to save the marriage.
• It is a clear-headed, therapist-guided process for deciding whether to work on the marriage before you commit the time, money, and emotional energy that standard couples counseling requires.

Who developed discernment counseling:

Dr. William Doherty is known as the developer of discernment counseling. Many counselors, including Santos Counseling, utilize his work to effectively support couples known as mixed agenda couples. This is known as a relationship in which one partner is interested in repairing the relationship while the other is uncertain or considering separation or divorce.

Can you rekindle your relationship, or is divorce the better option?

The benefit of discernment counseling is that it’s designed to answer difficult questions. The ones that you do not want to learn or find yourself regretting. Together, we address the questions while further working on creating respect and compassion, whether it be in divorce or reconciliation.

Is Discernment Counseling Right for Your Marriage?

One of the key factors that really makes discernment counseling effective is that it was built for a specific situation. Ask yourself:

• Is one of you leaning out? This can mean that one person may be considering divorce, talking to a divorce lawyer, or emotionally checked out from the relationship. All while the other still wants to work on things and seek marriage counseling.
• Have you already tried couples therapy and it didn’t help, or one partner refuses to try again? Again, this may right away show you that one is leaning in and the other out.
• Are you stuck in the same loop of fighting, quiet, fighting? This loop is very common for couples. Sometimes it’s the worry of what life will look like if separation took place. The loop often means that nothing ever changes, things go right back to how they were, and no one in the relationship ever actually decides anything, yet slowly both are losing hope.
• Do you feel pressure to make a decision quickly? Sometimes couples continue their relationship less for love and more for external reasons. This can come in the form of lease renewal, a pregnancy, a job move, or a partner threatening to leave.

If you answered yes to any of these, discernment counseling is likely a good fit. It is not the right process if both partners are already committed to working on the relationship. That’s typically a good fit for couples therapy where both partners are fully committed to the process.

Discernment Counseling Is Not Effective or Recommended When

There are four key times that discernment counseling is not recommended. They include:

• When manipulation is taking place.
• When you have already decided to separate or divorce and are dragging the other person along.
• When the relationship is in danger. This can include domestic violence.
• When both have agreed to the decision of separation or reconciliation.

How Discernment Counseling Is Different From Couples Therapy

The Three Paths: What Comes Next After Discernment Counseling

By the end of the process, you will choose one of three paths together:

1. Status quo. Couples often stay together as they are, without a commitment to change. For most couples, this is rarely the choice that comes out of discernment work, but it’s an option on the table.
2. Move toward divorce or separation. Many couples reach a place of clarity, mutual respect, and often a plan for how to do it well, especially if children are involved.
3. A six-month “all in” commitment to the marriage. At times both partners create a strong level of commitment and agree to do the hard work of couples therapy, which can mean taking on around 6 months of ongoing couples therapy. The couple removes divorce as an option during the time they are working in couples therapy. At the end of the six months, they evaluate the relationship and revisit the decision. 

One really important reminder I give couples is to notice that pathway 3 is not a lifelong commitment to trying forever. It’s around six solid months of effort with an end date. I have found that for couples, the commitment to work on the relationship actually helps them engage.

Please remember discernment counseling is a brief and effective form of support that helps you gain clarity and confidence in (a) the decision of divorce or separation (b) the decision of trying to make a strong final effort to rekindle the relationship or (c) the decision to pause things for a moment can come back to this process later in life.

Benefits of Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling gives you a place to process the decision of divorce or reconciliation so that you can decide on what to do next. As your counselor, my role is to be a supportive neutral party with expertise in helping you constructively have a difficult conversation. Together we will address the key areas:

• What took place in the relationship that led to the decision of separate?
• A review of what has taken place in your relationship to address challenges and create healing.
• Exploration of divorce and who would be impacted by the process. Such as children, finances, and so forth.
• Focus on whether or not problems are able to be solved.
• Exploration of the options and make a decision on what to do next. Such as separating or moving forward with reconciliation.

Case Example: When One Partner Wants to Stay, and the Other Is Unsure

Below is an example of a case to help you get a better idea of what to expect in a discernment counseling session. I have worked with couples for over a decade and continue to receive positive feedback when case examples are provided. 

After 15 years of marriage, Mike and Sara decided to seek counseling following months of increasing emotional challenges and one too many ongoing arguments. Mike wanted to do everything possible to save the marriage. He believed that couples counseling could help them reconnect and was eager to begin working on their relationship.

Sara, however, felt emotionally drained. Let down over and over in the relationship. She had been questioning for months the future of the marriage and admitted she was no longer sure she wanted to stay in the marriage. Although she agreed to attend couples therapy, she shared, “I’m not here because I’ve decided to work on the marriage. I’m here because I still need to figure out whether it’s time to leave.”

This is what therapists refer to as a mixed-agenda couple. In this case, you have Mike as the one partner who is committed to repairing the relationship, and Sara as the other partner who is uncertain or leaning toward separation.

Instead of beginning traditional couples therapy, the couple entered Discernment Counseling. During the process, both Mike and Sara had the opportunity to explore:

• How they arrived at this point in their relationship.
• Their individual contributions to the relationship’s struggles.
• Whether meaningful change was possible.
• What each person would need to see before committing to rebuilding the relationship.
• Whether working toward reconciliation or pursuing separation would be the healthiest next step.

Over several sessions, Sara gained greater clarity about the patterns that had led her to disconnect emotionally, while Mike gained a deeper understanding of how his behaviors had affected the relationship over the years. Rather than feeling pressured to make an immediate decision, both partners were able to thoughtfully consider their options in a structured, supportive environment.

At the conclusion of Discernment Counseling, couples typically choose one of three paths:

1. End the relationship with greater understanding and respect.
2. Continue the relationship as it currently exists while taking more time to decide.
3. Commit to a course of traditional couples therapy with both partners fully invested in working toward change.

Start Discernment Counseling in Greensboro

If you and your partner are on the brink of divorce and you’re not sure what to do next, discernment counseling gives you a structured, therapist-guided way to find out before you spend months in the wrong kind of therapy.

📞 336-663-6570  or admin@santoscounseling.com.  We are located at 411 Dolley Madison Road, Greensboro, NC 27410.