What Perfectionism Looks Like in Real Life

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like what we may see in a typical movie. Perfectionism doesn’t usually announce itself in an easy manner that can be spotted. It often hides behind success or achievement.

What we find when helping people with navigating perfectionism is that it often shows up quietly in everyday moments, thoughts, and situations. We see that perfectionism can hide as someone who is being very responsible or a person with high standards.

Examples of how perfectionism commonly appears

Here are some real-life examples of how perfectionism commonly shows up in life:

What perfectionism looks like in your thoughts:

• “If I can’t do it perfectly, there’s no point in even doing it.”
• “Everyone else seems to have this figured out. There must be something wrong with me?”
• “I should be doing more.”
• “One mistake means I failed.”

Remember that the quiet and internal conversations are often harsh, rigid, and unforgiving. The thoughts tend to ignore effort, growth, or context.

What perfectionism looks like in daily situations:

• Spending hours rewriting a text message because it doesn’t sound right to you.
• Avoiding posting content on social media until it feels perfect.
• Avoiding starting a project until it feels flawless.
• Over-preparing for conversations because you are fearful they will judge you.
• Feeling intense disappointment even after doing something objectively well.

Remember that perfectionism can take place in the situations shared. Some people even notice that it leads to procrastination, not because of laziness, but because they feel a pressure to get it exactly right.

What perfectionism looks like in relationships:

• You replay conversations in your head because you feel really worried about what you said and how it was wrong.
• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
• Expecting yourself to never make mistakes in the relationship. This can be as a parent, friend, or in marriage.
• Becoming easily frustrated when others don’t meet your standards.

Remember, perfectionism is often hiding behind what we may assume to be an okay behavior. Such as having a standard. In relationships, perfectionism can quietly turn from setting standards into people-pleasing, emotional exhaustion, or resentment.

What perfectionism looks like in work or school:

• Tying your value to productivity or the grades you earn at school.
• When you don’t perform well, you feel that you hold no value. 
• Feeling guilty when taking breaks. This often leads to overworking and not resting.
• Struggling to delegate because you have an internal standard that no one will do it right.
• Constantly raising the bar for yourself without feeling satisfied

Where Perfectionism Comes From

One common question that we often receive is focused on where perfectionistic tendencies and behaviors come from. We like to think about perfectionism as a giant mixture that is made up of varying situations and experiences. 

Perfectionism is made up of the following four core areas:

• Internal pressures.
• A person’s internal pressures are connected to an internal belief that to be safe, one has to be perfect. Or that if they make a mistake, then they will, in fact, be a failure.
• External expectations.
• A person may have received messages from peers, family, school, or social media about what success is supposed to look like. The external expectations can then shift to internal pressures.
• Past experiences.
• Certain experiences can play a strong role in impacting a person to feel that to be safe, they have to be perfect. An example of this is when past experiences are heavily tied to being successful or achieving.
• Personality factors.
• Certain people are more likely to feel driven to be flawless than others.

Why Perfectionism Matters for Mental Health

Perfectionism can impact mental and physical health. When perfectionism is extreme or ongoing, it’s not just about getting stressed. The stress can grow and become harmful. Research has linked unhealthy perfectionism to:

• Anxiety and worry
• Depression and low self-esteem
• Procrastination and avoidance
• Burnout and chronic stress
• Risk of eating disorders or depressive symptoms 

The Shift: From Perfection to Progress

I assume that you are searching for some sort of way to address perfectionism. Well, there is good news. The good news starts with knowing that you don’t have to give up excellence.

Many people who lean towards perfectionism often share that they enjoy holding high standards, aiming for high grades, and wanting to climb the ladder of their definition of success. And this is okay. You can still hold this part of you.

What we want to shift to is redefining what success means.

Here are a few ideas to transform perfectionist thinking:

• Focus on growth. Start doing this by celebrating the progress instead of only focusing on perfection.
  Practice self-compassion — Treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend. Wikipedia
  Reframe mistakes as learning — Every “error” is a chance to grow.
  Set realistic standards — Allow flexibility rather than rigid “right or wrong” outcomes.

Changing perfectionism doesn’t happen overnight — but by shifting your mindset, you can move from fear of failure to curiosity, resilience, and wellbeing.