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Forming Healthy Attachment When Adopting

How to Form a Healthy Attachment with Your Child

Did you know that attachment is the foundation of a child’s emotional, social, and psychological well-being?  Creating secure attachment helps you build a meaningful connection with your child and in addition teaches your child how to build a deep and meaningful connection with others. A secure attachment includes understanding attachment, developing emotional regulation, fostering open and honest communication, developing healthy boundaries, and creating trust and reliability. 

Working with a counselor can help parents and kids learn how to cultivate a strong and positive bond. Contact us to get started with counseling.

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How To Build A Secure Attachment

Building a secure attachment with your child takes time, patience, and purposeful intension. This means that it is not a fast process nor a perfect one. The work of attachment includes learning to understand how to trust one another while also gaining respect for individual differences.

You can do this. At Santos Counseling, we have worked with many parents, kids, and families in supporting them to learn how to do the work of creating a safe and trusting relationship. The work of secure attachment can begin with holding space for the present moment. This means being responsive, present, and emotionally available for your child.

Being present and intentional can include small purposeful interactions. Such as:

  • Asking open-ended questions.
  • Respecting boundaries.
  • Using kind words.

Remember, that this is a process that takes time.

If you want to learn more about attachment and parenting strategies, consider speaking with one of the counselors at Santos Counseling.

5 ways to form healthy attachment when adopting

1. Be present verbally and non-verbally.

2. Get off your phone. Put your work down.

Give yourself entirely to your child. Your child should be able to see that you are truly invested in them “not just know through words”. Don’t assume that your child understands you are their parent and that you’ll be there for them. Be present. Allow your actions to speak and justify your meaning.

3. Explore walking in your child’s shoes.

Consider how your child may be “thinking right now” or even consider how your non-verbal and verbal actions would be perceived from their point of view. If you are not sure – “ask your child”. “My son, what are you thinking right now?” or “Daughter how do you feel about what I just said or did?”.

4. Your child needs to feel 100% secure when it comes to “MOM or DAD being available”.

During the times that your child is seeking your attention regardless if it’s playful or emotionally sought – be there as soon as possible. It is truly vital for your child to create a personal understanding “that mom/dad loves me because when I cry they are there for me” or “when I am hurt they are there for me” or “when I want to play they are there for me”.

5. Remember sometimes a child shows anger because they do not know how to show loneliness or feelings of abandonment.

Anger is simply easier to show. I understand that you, as the parent are hurt and in pain by your child’s emotional expressions. Yet – I encourage and urge you to understand that your child is not angry. The words “I hate you” do not mean “I hate you”. The words “You don’t love me” do not mean “you don’t love me”. Your child is often testing you to create a personal understanding – “does mom/dad love me?”; “does mom/dad hate me?”.

 

I once had an adoptive family that I supported during their time of need. I remember an important message that continues to follow me. “If my child wants me to kiss them 100 times before going to bed, I will without a moment of hesitation”. Counseling can help!

You are an incredible parent!

Ways To Form A Healthy Attachment With Your Adopted Child

Adopting a child is a unique experience. I often find that parents share a mixture of how it can be transformative journey while holding unique challenges. At Santos Counseling, we do our best to stay informed, create a safe space for our clients, and develop our clinical skills. This helps us work with kids, parents, and families in forming a secure attachment. 

PARENTING…

You may find yourself experiencing the following cycles of questions.

  • “How am I going to create a strong attachment with my child?”
  • “What am I supposed to do in order to show my child that I am their parent?”
  • “What if they hate me?”
  • “What if they feel that they do not belong?”

 

Regardless of your child’s upbringing – they have the ability to form a healthy attachment. A healthy child-parent bond as mentioned before takes time, patience, and purposeful effort.

No matter your history as the parent, you have the ability to form a healthy, secure, well-balanced relationship with your child.

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