Among the topics covered in marital or couples counseling, sex continues to be at the top of the list. Like many common topics discussed among couples, sex has a spectrum. From personal satisfaction to, today’s topic, what not to do after sex.
A study from the University of Michigan focused on what to do after sex, “to sleep or to cuddle”. After the moment of romance is over, many couples truly struggle to figure out what to do next. It’s not like there is a handbook on your night stand, “what to do after sex for dummies”. That would be too easy. Instead, many couples find the instance after sex awkward, weird, and full of uncertainty. As a couple’s expert, I can tell you the worst things to do after sex. After reviewing the “not-so-good things” it is important to know that each individual works a little bit different than the other.
Let’s top the list with the number one “no-no” in my book
Falling asleep after sex
I get it. You have exhausted yourself and achieved both a physical and emotional level of satisfaction. So why is this such a problem. The thing is that you and your significant other have engaged in a very satisfying act. During the act, both of you were able to experience a number of positive feelings. In essence, you both have some sort of mini-story to tell. Instead of falling asleep after sex, discuss what just took place. Feel comfortable to let your partner in on what you enjoyed about the romantic experience versus rolling over for a snore session.
Do NOT work after sex
After sex is not the designated time to work on excel sheets or to finish a project. There is a time and place for everything. First off, why would you think that it is a good idea to have sex and transition over to work duties. That’s not sexy. I can give you a million other things to do. Instead of working after sex:
Facebook can wait. Instagram can wait. Pinterest can wait. Twitter can wait. All of your social media networks can wait on you. Trust me. What is the worst thing that would happen? Let me guess, you will have to scroll a bit longer than normal to catch up on the news feed. I like to tell clients to consider that they just had one of their best romantic performances. I mean, it was a moment to remember. Right after you wrap up, your partner roles over and logs onto Facebook. WHAT! NO! That is not sexy nor does that feel good on an emotional level.
Inviting Pets or Kids to bed
Your bed should be your special sanction. As a parent to an extremely hyperactive bundle of joy and two dogs, I can be transparent in providing a direct testimony. It is important and beneficial to communicate with your partner to create boundaries. The two of you should be on the same page as to what the rules are in your bedroom and with sex. Okay, so with the subject of “what not to do after sex”, do not open your doors to the kids or pets after sex. Communicate with your partner as to when would be an appropriate time to do so.
Time to clean… NO!
Cleaning can wait. Yes. It really can. You do not have to jump out of bed and start checking off the to do list. Stop for just one second. I want you to envision that you have just finished sex with the person you love and care about. You have engaged in a romantic emotional and physical experience that enhanced the connection between the two of you. Why would you want to jump out of bed and start picking up dirty clothes? Instead, enjoy the moment. Hug, cuddle, kiss or simply lay there with each other.
Sprint to the shower
I completely understand that you want to wash up for hygiene purposes. Yet, have you ever considered how the process of rushing over to the shower impacts your partner. Consider watching a video of the experience. You are watching two people engage in their version of an emotional and physical connection. They are immensely connected. Right after the sex is over, one partner rushes over to the shower while the other one continues to lay in bed.
Instead of rushing over to the shower consider continuing to lay in bed or even inviting your significant other to the shower with you. I’m sure option 2 may be the better one.
Not telling your partner “how good it was”
First and foremost, you are not ego boosting your partner. You are telling them how the romantic experience impacted you. Consider how normal it would be for you to tell your partner something nice after he/she supported you with a project or even with dinner. You may say something like “thanks for helping with dinner” or “I’m so glad that you helped me”. Its the same with sex. After sex tell your partner what you enjoyed most, how good it was, why it was great, and more.
Boosting your personal ego
Earlier, I encouraged you to let your partner know the acts they are doing right. Although you may enjoy hearing yourself go on and on about how awesome and spectacular you are, please don’t. Allow your partner to be the one that provides positive feedback on your sexual performance after the romantic act.
Sex continues to be a hot topic among couples in and out of my office. The last tip of advice I’m going to give you is in the form of communication.
Communicate with your partner about “after sex”
This conversation topic inclines individuals to feel uneasy and hesitant. Try to consider the end outcome, “you will have a stronger grasp as to what your significant other desires after sex versus winging it”. Take your partner out on a date to a place that you feel comfortable and at ease. You really want to seek an environment that allows you to feel open to discuss the topic of sex without feeling the judgmental eyes around you.
Common questions to ask your partner about sex:
What do you like to do after sex?
Does it bother you that I ______ after sex?
What are your top 3 of things to do with me after sex?
Are their things I do after sex that you dislike?
After engaging in any of the common sex topics discussed, the conversation will spark and ideas will begin to fly. This is exactly what you want to happen. Allow yourself and your significant other to dive into the topic of “after sex”. Create ideas that turn you on and before you know it the afternoon will lead you both in the right direction.